My Mother-In-Law is not my favorite person in the world, though to her credit she is technically sane, and usually fairly nice. She is in love with our little boy, her grandson, 1 year old. From the start, she has pressed me for babysitting time and "time alone" with the little guy, to which I happily obliged. However, I began to see that she and I were not on the same wavelength when it came to caring for our child. She was unsupportive of me breastfeeding, she would not hug or comfort him when he cried as I left, she would bring her book to read and expect him to play on his own. Both my husband and I had some talks with her about these things, though it never improved. This all got under my skin, but I looked the other way because she is family.
Then, just today, I came home from running some errands while she had been watching him. I arrived home to a sobbing, bruised little boy. He hit his face on the edge of something while she was "watching" him while he played (she had been reading her book). My little cherub's cheek is now black and blue, just in time for his 1st birthday party. I know kids will fall, get bruises and scrapes, but I feel this was just negligence on her part. I don't want to leave my baby with her anymore, but I feel stuck since she is family. What to do?
Best,
Not a Fan of My MIL
Dear Not a Fan,
Well, it's about time I field a mother-in-law question! It seems as though many women deal with complicated and frustrating issues with their mother-in-laws. It's a very complex relationship. We are asked when we marry to literally merge two families together. Imagine that. Years of traditions, recipes, styles, holidays, inside jokes, habits, etc are merged together, considered a "family" and henceforth we have in-laws. In most families there tends to be tension among in-laws because humans aren't always great with change. We like our traditions. We like the way that our mothers cook for us. We want things to be like how we know them to be - not how another mother from a whole other family wants them to be. Likewise, MILs want to remain "motherly." They want their sons to love them, pay attention to them and respect them. So, this relationship often takes another hard hit once grandchildren enter the picture. We understand that our MIL's have a fundamental right to bond and spend time with their grandchildren. However, the lines can get a little fuzzy when it comes to how they treat the child versus how you want your own child to be treated. This boils down to a respect issue. Is your mother-in-law respecting your wishes as a parent?
In this situation, the answer is no. I commend you for raising these concerns with your mother-in-law along with your husband. I think the best way to do that (and it sounds as if this is what you have already done) is to confront your mother-in-law together with your husband - BOTH of you must be present to have the conversation. It's always good to be appreciative for the things that she does well - it's nice of her to watch your son for you, etc. Build her up a bit and encourage the good behaviors. In order to discourage the negative behaviors - use "WE" statements. We feel that is most important for our son to have a sense of consistency. Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would pay closer attention to him when he plays. Lately he has become very mobile and we are concerned with him getting into something he shouldn't or taking a tumble that isn't necessary. Sometimes it's even nice to blame the Doctor (a great tip I learned). "Our Dr. is constantly reminding us how quickly thing can happen at our son's age - that we must keep a very careful eye on him at all times."
Now, if you have had these conversations with her and they have proven to not be productive, I think your only option is to not allow her to watch your son when you are not present. Simply refrain from asking her to babysit. If she asks you to babysit, let her know that you have not had a need and come up with a time for you and your husband to have a discussion with her regarding your reasons. That you feel as if you both have told her several times that your son requires more attention and that you feel your wishes are not being respected. You have every right to set boundaries as a parent and as a daughter-in-law. I think that we often feel intimated and concerned over what our MILs think of us. Well, it's far more important to stand up for what you believe is in the best interest of your child. Sometimes, everyone needs a little "come to Jesus" in order to recognize their behaviors. Hopefully, your MIL will come to respect your wishes. Hopefully she will recognize that her relationship with her grandson is at stake and that she needs to make some adjustments in order to be the good grandma she surely wants to be.
Best of Luck,
Lara
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