To Friend or Not to Friend

Dear Lara,

A guy I used to "date" friended me on Facebook.  I haven't seen him for years.  Things ended strangely when I found out he was also hooking up with a friend of mine (neither of us knew).  We've both moved on, married, had kids, and I don't hold a grudge.  I have not accepted the request. On one hand my pride makes me want to accept it to show him that I don't care and see what an awesome life I have now.  On the other, I want him to know that he's a loser.  Any advice?

Sincerely,

To Friend or Not to Friend?

Dear To Friend or Not to Friend, 

Interesting situation.  As there are many of us that encounter the whole "oh crap, my ex is on FB - do I really want to be 'friends'  with him?"  But, your scenario is a bit more peculiar.  I'm assuming he never learned that you and your friend both knew about his conniving ways??  Either way, I am not going to give you an answer on this one.  Rather, I am going to discuss the potential outcome of either choice you make. 

1.  You accept the Friendship - We'll call your guy Joe to keep things simple.  Joe could also have an awesome life.  You could meander into his FB world and learn that he has two perfect children, a perfect wife and gorgeous home with a picket fence and a designer dog to boot.  While you may no longer have any lingering feelings for this fellow, I feel as though you (being the highly ethical and strong woman you sound to be) would want his wife to know of his past scandalous ways.  I mean, once a cheater always a cheater, right?  Now, how do you handle this situation in your own head?  I fear it may consume you for another day or two which could totally distract energy from more useful places such as your new garden you should be planting and that book you've been meaning to finish.  Now, on the other hand, Joe's life could be a mess.  His wife a toad and two rotten children clearly the type to smack yours in the face for no reason.  Does this really make you a happier, better person?  To know of his life - whichever it may be - does it really have any impact on yours at all?  If it does indeed make you feel better, motivate you to work on your garden and practice better breathing techniques in yoga... then by all means, friend away.  

2.  Ignore that Mo Fo - And he will get the picture that you have no interest in him.  After all, he was the one cyber pursuing you, correct?  I'm also guessing you have an uber hot profile picture up that he has seen and appreciated.  Thinking to himself, "wow, that girl looks great.  Wonder what she's up to these days?"  Harmless I suppose.  But, how much do you really want this guy knowing about you?  While he may be able to see your awesome life, he also learns more about you.  Your family.  Your job.  Your photos.  And, the list goes on.  What does Joe need that info for?  Does "ignoring" him imply that you are simply on to bigger and better things in life?  Or, does it make him think you just never check your FB account?  Tricky.   

There you have it.  I've laid out some potential outcomes for you and hopefully guided you toward the best choice for you.  Do keep me posted as to what you decide.  And whatever you choose, may you tread lightly among the waves of Ex-boyfriend FBLand.  

Best, 

Lara