Not a Fan of My MIL

Dear Lara,

My Mother-In-Law is not my favorite person in the world, though to her credit she is technically sane, and usually fairly nice. She is in love with our little boy, her grandson, 1 year old. From the start, she has pressed me for babysitting time and "time alone" with the little guy, to which I happily obliged. However, I began to see that she and I were not on the same wavelength when it came to caring for our child. She was unsupportive of me breastfeeding, she would not hug or comfort him when he cried as I left, she would bring her book to read and expect him to play on his own. Both my husband and I had some talks with her about these things, though it never improved. This all got under my skin, but I looked the other way because she is family.

Then, just today, I came home from running some errands while she had been watching him. I arrived home to a sobbing, bruised little boy. He hit his face on the edge of something while she was "watching" him while he played (she had been reading her book). My little cherub's cheek is now black and blue, just in time for his 1st birthday party. I know kids will fall, get bruises and scrapes, but I feel this was just negligence on her part. I don't want to leave my baby with her anymore, but I feel stuck since she is family. What to do?

Best,
Not a Fan of My MIL

Dear Not a Fan, 


Well, it's about time I field a mother-in-law question!  It seems as though many women deal with complicated and frustrating issues with their mother-in-laws.  It's a very complex relationship.  We are asked when we marry to literally merge two families together.  Imagine that.  Years of traditions, recipes, styles, holidays, inside jokes, habits, etc are merged together, considered a "family" and henceforth we have in-laws.  In most families there tends to be tension among in-laws because humans aren't always great with change.  We like our traditions.  We like the way that our mothers cook for us.  We want things to be like how we know them to be - not how another mother from a whole other family wants them to be.  Likewise, MILs want to remain "motherly."  They want their sons to love them, pay attention to them and respect them.  So, this relationship often takes another hard hit once grandchildren enter the picture.  We understand that our MIL's have a fundamental right to bond and spend time with their grandchildren.  However, the lines can get a little fuzzy when it comes to how they treat the child versus how you want your own child to be treated.  This boils down to a respect issue.  Is your mother-in-law respecting your wishes as a parent?


In this situation, the answer is no.  I commend you for raising these concerns with your mother-in-law along with your husband.  I think the best way to do that (and it sounds as if this is what you have already done) is to confront your mother-in-law together with your husband - BOTH of you must be present to have the conversation. It's always good to be appreciative for the things that she does well - it's nice of her to watch your son for you, etc.  Build her up a bit and encourage the good behaviors.  In order to discourage the negative behaviors - use "WE" statements.  We feel that is most important for our son to have a sense of consistency.  Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would pay closer attention to him when he plays.  Lately he has become very mobile and we are concerned with him getting into something he shouldn't or taking a tumble that isn't necessary.  Sometimes it's even nice to blame the Doctor (a great tip I learned).  "Our Dr. is constantly reminding us how quickly thing can happen at our son's age - that we must keep a very careful eye on him at all times."


Now, if you have had these conversations with her and they have proven to not be productive, I think your only option is to not allow her to watch your son when you are not present.  Simply refrain from asking her to babysit.  If she asks you to babysit, let her know that you have not had a need and come up with a time for you and your husband to have a discussion with her regarding your reasons.  That you feel as if you both have told her several times that your son requires more attention and that you feel your wishes are not being respected.  You have every right to set boundaries as a parent and as a daughter-in-law.  I think that we often feel intimated and concerned over what our MILs think of us.  Well, it's far more important to stand up for what you believe is in the best interest of your child.  Sometimes, everyone needs a little "come to Jesus" in order to recognize their behaviors.  Hopefully, your MIL will come to respect your wishes.  Hopefully she will recognize that her relationship with her grandson is at stake and that she needs to make some adjustments in order to be the good grandma she surely wants to be.  




Best of Luck,
Lara

Feeling Effed, again?

Dear Lara,


I received a ticket in the mail last night for a red light violation.  Apparently I made a right turn on a red light without stopping.  Ok, ok, there are pictures online to prove it.  Big Brother is indeed watching... guilty as charged.  Problem is, this happened on March 3rd and this is the first I'm learning of this ticket.  My ticket has since doubled and is in Final Determination.  I now owe a whopping 200 bucks for something I never knew I did until yesterday.  I called the City.  They claim to have sent me 2 other notices of which I never received.  What do I do?  


Sincerely,
Yourself 




Dear You,

I know that you have exhausted your options.  You've spoken with the City.  You've visited your local post office and filed a formal complaint against your mail carrier.  There is nothing else you can do.  Breathe deeply.  Painfully remind yourself that life isn't fair... something you will try with all your might to never use as a lame excuse for your children.  And move on.  Yes, pay the damn City of Chicago more money they don't deserve and believe that they most likely never mailed you two other notices to begin with in the hopes that they would ultimately get that 200 bucks.  Screw you Mayor Daly and the USPS.  There, does that help??

Sincerely,
Feeling effed - But moving on

To Friend or Not to Friend

Dear Lara,

A guy I used to "date" friended me on Facebook.  I haven't seen him for years.  Things ended strangely when I found out he was also hooking up with a friend of mine (neither of us knew).  We've both moved on, married, had kids, and I don't hold a grudge.  I have not accepted the request. On one hand my pride makes me want to accept it to show him that I don't care and see what an awesome life I have now.  On the other, I want him to know that he's a loser.  Any advice?

Sincerely,

To Friend or Not to Friend?

Dear To Friend or Not to Friend, 

Interesting situation.  As there are many of us that encounter the whole "oh crap, my ex is on FB - do I really want to be 'friends'  with him?"  But, your scenario is a bit more peculiar.  I'm assuming he never learned that you and your friend both knew about his conniving ways??  Either way, I am not going to give you an answer on this one.  Rather, I am going to discuss the potential outcome of either choice you make. 

1.  You accept the Friendship - We'll call your guy Joe to keep things simple.  Joe could also have an awesome life.  You could meander into his FB world and learn that he has two perfect children, a perfect wife and gorgeous home with a picket fence and a designer dog to boot.  While you may no longer have any lingering feelings for this fellow, I feel as though you (being the highly ethical and strong woman you sound to be) would want his wife to know of his past scandalous ways.  I mean, once a cheater always a cheater, right?  Now, how do you handle this situation in your own head?  I fear it may consume you for another day or two which could totally distract energy from more useful places such as your new garden you should be planting and that book you've been meaning to finish.  Now, on the other hand, Joe's life could be a mess.  His wife a toad and two rotten children clearly the type to smack yours in the face for no reason.  Does this really make you a happier, better person?  To know of his life - whichever it may be - does it really have any impact on yours at all?  If it does indeed make you feel better, motivate you to work on your garden and practice better breathing techniques in yoga... then by all means, friend away.  

2.  Ignore that Mo Fo - And he will get the picture that you have no interest in him.  After all, he was the one cyber pursuing you, correct?  I'm also guessing you have an uber hot profile picture up that he has seen and appreciated.  Thinking to himself, "wow, that girl looks great.  Wonder what she's up to these days?"  Harmless I suppose.  But, how much do you really want this guy knowing about you?  While he may be able to see your awesome life, he also learns more about you.  Your family.  Your job.  Your photos.  And, the list goes on.  What does Joe need that info for?  Does "ignoring" him imply that you are simply on to bigger and better things in life?  Or, does it make him think you just never check your FB account?  Tricky.   

There you have it.  I've laid out some potential outcomes for you and hopefully guided you toward the best choice for you.  Do keep me posted as to what you decide.  And whatever you choose, may you tread lightly among the waves of Ex-boyfriend FBLand.  

Best, 

Lara

Ugh, another gift to buy?!

Dear Lara,
What's the proper etiquette for gift giving for second, third, FOURTH babies? I have a list a mile long of baby gifts I need to buy for friends that have recently had babies, but I sometimes find it's getting out of hand when some friends are starting to get up to #4. Love my friends and want to celebrate their new little ones - any suggestions?


Sincerely,
Ugh, another gift to buy?!


Dear Ugh,
I hear you.  Loud and clear.  The gift thing gets to be out of control when it comes to weddings, showers and now... multiple sets of babies.  It's hard because they seem to pile up and then you feel like you can't ever go a week without feeling like you owe somebody a gift.  


I am not suggesting that it best to be an Indian giver but perhaps in situations with multiple babies it's something to consider.  You may have a best friend that you rarely exchange gifts with when a random neighbor is always giving things to your kids.  In those situations I think that it's important to return the favor.  For each gift you have gotten - you should probably return the gesture.  


Now, if you are wanting to set the stage for what and when to give a gift I think you should create your own personal system.  For example, for first babies you give one gift at a shower or when the baby is born.  For each additional baby, I think it's more than enough to either simply send a card or send a small gift such as a book, crib toy, frame, etc.  Also, a great place to find nice inexpensive gifts for babies is TJ Max or Marshalls - I had no idea how much they have for little ones - but it's a great place to start for gifts.  


Not long ago I was out getting a gift for someone.  A girl at the store showed me something I really loved - but it was over the $50 dollar limit I had set in my head for the gift.  I almost purchased the gift when I finally turned to the saleswoman and said, "you know, I just didn't want to spend that much.  Can you show me something closer to the $50 dollar range?"  She said, "of course, it's important to set boundaries - I completely understand."  Setting boundaries, while hard to always do when shopping is so important especially when gift shopping.  This way you never have regrets.  I have purchased too many gifts that I felt were never appropriately appreciated nor reciprocated.  Stay within your own bounds and you will never go wrong when showing generosity to others.  


Best,
Lara

Bra-nundrum

Dear Lara,
I am 4 months pregnant and in dire need of bras, as I've grown 2 cup sizes already, but I don't want to spend too much on bras I may never wear again. I've researched this all over the internet and get no useful answers. Should I be looking at nursing bras now (some said you can find ones that expand as you grow), and some say not to buy nursing bras until a few weeks before you're due (makes sense).  I don't even know what kind of store to start with (ones that sell regular bras? ones that sell maternity/nursing bras?). I did get a professional fitting yesterday (at a professional lingerie store), so I know my size. I bought one of their bras but it was $120. They suggested not to buy nursing bras until later, and I was mostly satisfied with the comfort and style of their bras, but $120 each is just too much.


Sincerely,
Bra-nundrum


Dear Bra-nundrum,


I would love to share a personal experience with this question - as I am hoping this answer could potentially help others to learn from my mistake. 


It is perfectly normal to grow throughout your pregnancy. So with that I would check out the bras at Kohl's.  They are always on sale and there is a good selection of affordable bras that you can use and then re-use in future pregnancies.  As for nursing bras - I did not purchase any nursing bras prior to having my son.  I was told to take a few nursing tanks to the hospital.  I found some at Target - but I found them to be small and uncomfortable.  I ended up buying a more expensive brand from a great store in Chicago called Be By Baby  The people who work there are incredibly knowledgeable and easy to talk to regarding nursing.  Nursing tanks work well in the hospital and those first few days you are home getting acquainted with nursing.  


Your breasts change dramatically that first month after you have a baby.  Note: this may not be the case for all women depending on your milk supply and natural breast size.  Your milk doesn't come in until 3-4 days after you have the baby.  Then WHAM you have some giant girls that are hard to walk with let alone stuff into a bra.  These will not be your permanent nursing ta tas. Your milk will slow down and your Dolly Partons will shrink to a more natural size within a couple of weeks of nursing.  


As for my personal experience... well, let's just say I learned a lot from this mistake.  The minute I had my son I sent my poor husband to Be By Baby on a mission for nursing bras.  He came home with some great options that the wonderful owner of the store had suggested.  I liked these so much, I went back to the store and bought more.  HOWEVER, I was also deep in the trenches of nursing hell and thought that buying an endless supply of expensive nursing bras would ease all of my pains and somehow cure my little one of his latching woes caused by his Tongue Tie (he's perfectly fine, now).  


So, 12 days into nursing I learned that I physically could no longer nurse and that my child was in some serious need of food.  I've got 3 nursing tanks and 5 designer nursing bras (great brand by the way can be found here ) that I used for 12 days.  So, please, get used to the whole nursing thing before you splurge on bras.  Wait a month or so to be sure they are comfy and fit you well.  Check out Be By Baby.  


AND, most importantly, do not put too much pressure on yourself for a blissful nursing experience.  While that bliss does exist for some, it does not exist for all new mothers and however you feed your baby will be perfect for you and your little one.  Congratulations on your pregnancy and happy first Mother's Day to you! 



Breast,

Lara


  

Hostess on the Fly

Dear Lara,

Last weekend our friends "were in the area" and dropped in for a last minute visit. I had 30 minutes notice and wanted to throw together an appetizer, but had no idea where to begin.  We've recently moved to the suburbs and I feel like this happens often, with neighbors stopping by or inviting us over for a cocktail on the fly.  Can you recommend a quick and easy, crowd-pleasing appetizer that I can always have ingredients at the ready to whip up in a snap? 

Sincerely,

Hostess on the Fly

Dear On the Fly,

I think it's wise to always have a block of cheese like some brie, manchego, etc in your hydrator - even some "rat cheese" will do (aka - swiss).  Set it out with a little dish of whatever type of jam you have in your fridge along with some crackers and fruit - and voila - a nice impromptu feast for you and your guests to nosh on.

Now, if you want to step it up a notch - I just tried this yummy appetizer with some fabulous friends of ours and we were much like vultures leaning over the dish shoveling it into our mouths as fast as we possibly could.  I don't think our husbands or babies took breaths between bites - yes, the babes even liked it!  I must give credit to my amazing mom - as the recipe may be found within her cookbook Winning Courses.  Note: while this piece of culinary delight may not be found at your nearest book store - I am certain she has boxes of it she'd love to hand over from her basement ;)  It's a great book - fast and easy recipes from the heart (and my childhood!)  This recipe much like most others in the book is great because there are just a few ingredients and they are easy to have on hand.

Tart Ole'
1 block of softened cream cheese (I use light and it's just as good)
1 can of Hormel No Bean Chili
2 bunches of green onion chopped
1 red pepper diced
3/4 cup shredded sharp chedder cheese

Now, spread the cream cheese along the bottom of a pie plate or square baking dish.  Then, layer each ingredient in the order listed above and bake in a 350 degree oven for 20 minutes until the cheese is melted and bubbling - serve with tortilla chips - and I promise you and your guests will finish every last morsel - we sure did!

There are more great recipes where this comes from... let me know if you're interested and I can direct you to Chef Anne for a copy of her book.   Thanks mom, for writing this book, and for teaching me to cook!

Happy Mother's Day!

Lara

Control Freak

Dear Lara-
I'm a full time working mom with a lot of friends and outside interests. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and can't seem to tackle even half of my to-do list. Lately, I just wish I could get my head above water!

Here's the thing: I don't delegate. I know I could probably give my husband some tasks, but I am a complete control freak and like to be in charge of everything. When I do let anyone else do things I always find something wrong with it. I hate that I do this, I just can't help myself.

Any ideas of how I can de-stress and lighten up?

Sincerely,
Control Freak


Dear Control Freak,

As I read your question I couldn't help but recall something a friend shared with me years ago. I hope she reads this - because it had a great impact on me long before I had a child and could totally understand what she was saying. She too was struggling with lending over some responsibility to her husband. She told me that it was nearly impossible to watch her husband put a diaper on their daughter - that it took him nearly 4 times longer than her to accomplish this feat. BUT - she said that she would take a deep breath, walk in the other room and try really hard to just let him do it his way. Otherwise, she could be stuck with a husband that wouldn't even bother to try let alone help with the kids at all. Besides, is it really that big of deal if it's done his way? If it takes longer? If it's a little less efficient? Nobody will get hurt and ultimately he's spending more time with his new daughter and gaining more confidence along the way.

Mothers in particular seem to struggle with this control problem. I imagine that if I asked my mother if she could change anything when looking back on her child-rearing years that she too would say, "I wish that I would have just let things go easier, not gotten so worked up at times and allowed my family to just be." I find myself doing the same thing. We want things done a certain way because we have created a system for our households to follow and we are certain that we know what is best for everyone.

But here's the key issue - I am certain that you want to encourage your children to become resourceful and grow up with confidence. Therefore this "control" issue can really have a two-fold consequence. First, your children begin to see that you rarely trust their father to do anything, and when you do delegate a task to him, they will see you critiquing him and not thinking he is good enough. Second, as you begin to allow them to do certain things they too will feel they are not up to par and will struggle with finding that inner confidence they need in order to accomplish tasks. Again, I think that a lot of this "need to control" comes from somewhat of a good place. But, it is so important to remind yourself that you don't always know what's best for someone or something else. That there are many ways to skin a cat. That you aren't ALWAYS right. And again, if someone else messes up - it's a reflection of them - not YOU. We all make mistakes - it helps us to improve and grow. Allow your kids/husband/co-workers/dog/etc to make their own mistakes. You cannot carry everyone along... and besides, you'd be doing them the disservice of that awesome thing that happens when we mess up. We learn. We grow. We become better. We are challenged.

So, I urge you to think of the consequences before you question. Lightening up is much easier said that done. Control is a direct response to fear and if you let go of trying to control someone you empower them to build strength from within and that is a pretty amazing thing. If you can talk yourself through the situation imagining both the best case and worse case outcomes and recognize that the worse case really ain't so bad, I'm sure you will be able to hand over some of that responsibility. Loosen the reigns, delegate the task, and seriously examine the positive and negative impact your two cents could potentially have on the overall situation. The bottom line is that you simply cannot do it all. Besides, your family needs to feel a part of things as well and appreciate the work that needs to be done. Once you let go of your own expectations you may be surprised... as they may even accomplish the task better than you.

Best,
Lara