A Frustrated New Mom

Dear Lara,

Not unlike other first time mothers, I feel like I am juggling ten different glass balls in the air, being a good mother, wife, employee, daugther and sister, while still trying to find some time to take care of myself (as if that will ever happen), and am sure that soon, one of them is going to drop. While my husband is an absolutely wonderful father and husband (he does all of the cooking and his fair share of waking up in the middle of the night with our little one), he only has time for those extra projects that he deems necessary (like cleaning the kitchen top to bottom yesterday even though we pay somebody to come in and clean our house). I feel like I am always running around, never getting a moment to stop and sit down, and it really bothers me when he sits down to watch TV on the weekend or take a nap (of course when the baby is sleeping), because there are other things to get done. I feel like I am going out of of my mind!!! What should I do?

Sincerely,

A frustrated new mom

Dear Mom,

There are two really good questions within this post. So, I'm going to break it apart and address each one separately.

First: How do we manage all of our relationships in our life while maintaining our most important relationship - the one we have with ourselves?

- Make it a point to decide what is most important to you in order to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. For example, if you know that you need to get to the gym 3 times a week to maintain sanity - make that happen. Or, if you despise cleaning the house - budget a little extra cash to get some cleaning help. Set yourself up for success - not failure. You deserve to make yourself a priority - and by doing that you will be doing a favor for the other important relationships in your life.

Second: How do we effectively communicate these needs with our spouse?

- It is important to set up boundaries with your husband. He needs to know that you feel like you are not having time to take care of your own needs. You may think this is obvious - but it is crucial to understand that mothers and fathers react differently to the changes that a new baby brings. Sit down together and make a list of the most important needs you have separately and together. A great example of a need to establish together is alone time. Ensure that you have at least one date night out set aside per month and one vacation or weekend getaway together twice a year. A happy couple equals a happy baby. Same goes with stuff around the house and needs for the baby. The kitchen may not be a big deal to you - but to your husband it may be more important since he does most of the cooking. Perhaps he needs it to be uber clean all of the time. While this may frustrate you, you can appreciate his "need" and then communicate your need. "Okay, that's fine if you want to clean the kitchen, but before you do that can you please help me clean out the storage space?"

Compromise and Communicate. I know that these things sound simple. But, when was the last time you sat down with your significant other, rattled off your needs, asked them their needs and set up boundaries? This takes time and patience - two things that seem to be increasingly difficult following the changes a new baby brings. I promise that if you make it a point to establish these boundaries - things will improve. Like everything, it will take time.

I always say that the hardest thing about having a baby isn't the baby - it's all of the changes that take place surrounding the baby. So, cut yourself some slack, hire a sitter and go out on a date.

Best,

Lara