Shower Hostess Hoping for the Mostest

Dear Lara -

I am hosting another baby shower for my friend next weekend, and not sure how to make it "super fun" in that she doesn't want games, etc, and is almost embarrassed to open presents in front of people. Are there simple ways I can make this shower more fun? Also, her mother-in-law is flying in from out west - a big deal. Should we do something to say "thanks" for the effort?

Thanks,
"Baby Shower Hostess Hoping for the Mostest"


Dear Hostess with the Mostest,

I think it's great that you want to make this so special for your friend. From what I gather, showers make her feel uncomfortable in that there is a lot of attention focused on her at one time. My suggestion to try to alleviate some of that pressure from her. The more relaxed you are as a host, the more relaxed the guests will be, the family members, etc. You will set the tone for the afternoon and as long as you are comfortable everything else should fall right into place.

If that mom-to-be does not want any games, then do not play them. I think that games can at times feel forced and contrived and it sounds like this mom wants everything and everyone to be natural and comfortable. Similarly, gift-opening can also evoke uncomfortable feelings all around. It's sort of awkward to sit in front of everyone and open gift after gift with a bunch of eyes zoned right in on you. Again, you can take the charge on this and orchestrate everyone to sit down so she can open gifts. Don't make her feel like she needs to do that - she feels strange enough having so many people not only take time out of their day but buying her things as well.

While she is opening gifts, it makes things more comfortable when the people around her are engaged in conversation. Make sure that your chairs are placed close together and provide a warm inviting space for everyone to sit around and chat while mom dives into the packages. I am guessing her belly is a bit cumbersome by now too - so be sure to have a garbage bag for the the wrapping paper close by. It would also make her feel less of a spectacle if she has a close friend or two sitting right near her to pass her gifts and take the wrapping from her. This is crucial. Assign two people who know each other to sit up front and assist mom. That way, she doesn't feel alone and can converse with them without feeling like she's the only one in front.

As for mom-in-law, I suggest that you thank her for coming on your own. I would not draw attention to it - if anyone wants to recognize her for coming from such a distance, it should be her daughter-in-law - not you. Your job as hostess is to thank everyone - I don't think you need to do anything extra or special for her. She obviously wants to be there to share in the special day, and based on the relationship they have, the mom-to-be will make the call on how and when to appropriately thank her.

You sound like a wonderful hostess and great friend to be hosting this special event ~

Happy Showers!
Lara

Chicken Loser

Dear Lara,
I really enjoy cooking and can more than find my way around a kitchen. However, there is one area that always proves difficult for me: cooking chicken. I don't really eat red meat, so healthy boneless, skinless chicken breasts are the protein of choice in my house and I prefer to bake them in the oven since it allows me time to work on other things. Although we eat chicken multiple times each week, I am terrible at cooking with it and and can never tell when it's done. I often overcook it and they end up dry. Is there a way to get perfect chicken every time?

Sincerely,
Chicken Loser

Dear CL,

Ahh... the dreaded chicken breast. I thought about researching some chicken breast recipes for you - but then decided to go ahead with my gut on this and be direct. You sound like a direct kinda person and can take the news. Baked boneless chicken breasts are the WORST. Yep, they are terrible, dry, dense and lack flavor even if you dump a whole bunch of sodium ridden sauce on top of them. Take them out of your cooking repertoire. Here are three fool proof ways to bake yourself some good bird:

1) If you must have a breast - bone-in split chicken breasts are the way to go. Purchase them with the skin ON, throw them on a baking sheet with some olive oil, salt and pepper and bake them for 45 minutes - or until the juices run clear. Then, take the skin off and either shred into your favorite dish or serve as is with some veggies and brown rice. You can find this recipe from Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa) - and I highly recommend using this chicken in her delicious multi-seasonal light and healthy chicken chili.

2) Let's check out the dark side - I make this dish every week and without fail it is my husband's favorite. Purchase one package of boneless skinless chicken thighs. Remove from package, rinse and pat dry. Place all of the thighs in a heavy casserole dish (pre-sprayed with Pam) with a lid - I use a small le crueset pot. Once again, spray the thighs with some Pam and season with Lawrey's Seasoned Salt and some Paprika. Bake in a 375 degree oven (no lid) for 20 minutes. Remove the chicken and cover with one small sliced SWEET onion (always use sweet onions to cook with - as they add so much more flavor), spray with a little more Pam, cover with lid and continue to bake in a 325 degree oven for 1 hour (continue to baste). Again, place these guys over some brown rice and you have a really comforting and healthy chicken dish.

3) Ok guys, let's cook that whole bird! I usually make this on Sundays so I have leftover chicken for sandwiches and salads for the week. Again, rinse and dry your bird very well. Truss his little legs together and tuck back his wings. Season with salt and pepper. Melt a tablespoon or two of butter and brush over the bird. Stuff his little bottom with a bunch of fresh thyme, sliced up sweet onion, a few cloves of garlic and a wedge or two of lemon if you're feeling zesty! Bake that bird at 375 degrees for a little over an hour - again check to see if the juices run clear and if the leg wiggles away easily from the body. Oh, and BASTE BASTE BASTE throughout the cooking process. This bird is so flavorful and juicy it melts in your mouth.

MWAH - bon appetit!
Lara

A Frustrated New Mom

Dear Lara,

Not unlike other first time mothers, I feel like I am juggling ten different glass balls in the air, being a good mother, wife, employee, daugther and sister, while still trying to find some time to take care of myself (as if that will ever happen), and am sure that soon, one of them is going to drop. While my husband is an absolutely wonderful father and husband (he does all of the cooking and his fair share of waking up in the middle of the night with our little one), he only has time for those extra projects that he deems necessary (like cleaning the kitchen top to bottom yesterday even though we pay somebody to come in and clean our house). I feel like I am always running around, never getting a moment to stop and sit down, and it really bothers me when he sits down to watch TV on the weekend or take a nap (of course when the baby is sleeping), because there are other things to get done. I feel like I am going out of of my mind!!! What should I do?

Sincerely,

A frustrated new mom

Dear Mom,

There are two really good questions within this post. So, I'm going to break it apart and address each one separately.

First: How do we manage all of our relationships in our life while maintaining our most important relationship - the one we have with ourselves?

- Make it a point to decide what is most important to you in order to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. For example, if you know that you need to get to the gym 3 times a week to maintain sanity - make that happen. Or, if you despise cleaning the house - budget a little extra cash to get some cleaning help. Set yourself up for success - not failure. You deserve to make yourself a priority - and by doing that you will be doing a favor for the other important relationships in your life.

Second: How do we effectively communicate these needs with our spouse?

- It is important to set up boundaries with your husband. He needs to know that you feel like you are not having time to take care of your own needs. You may think this is obvious - but it is crucial to understand that mothers and fathers react differently to the changes that a new baby brings. Sit down together and make a list of the most important needs you have separately and together. A great example of a need to establish together is alone time. Ensure that you have at least one date night out set aside per month and one vacation or weekend getaway together twice a year. A happy couple equals a happy baby. Same goes with stuff around the house and needs for the baby. The kitchen may not be a big deal to you - but to your husband it may be more important since he does most of the cooking. Perhaps he needs it to be uber clean all of the time. While this may frustrate you, you can appreciate his "need" and then communicate your need. "Okay, that's fine if you want to clean the kitchen, but before you do that can you please help me clean out the storage space?"

Compromise and Communicate. I know that these things sound simple. But, when was the last time you sat down with your significant other, rattled off your needs, asked them their needs and set up boundaries? This takes time and patience - two things that seem to be increasingly difficult following the changes a new baby brings. I promise that if you make it a point to establish these boundaries - things will improve. Like everything, it will take time.

I always say that the hardest thing about having a baby isn't the baby - it's all of the changes that take place surrounding the baby. So, cut yourself some slack, hire a sitter and go out on a date.

Best,

Lara

Doo Doo Daddy

Dear Lara,

I was giving my daughter a bath and reached for the shampoo. When I turned back, I saw that my daughter had got herself some poo of a different kind. No more tears it was not. I pulled her out of the tub before she came in contact and needed a silkwood shower. I gently cleaned her off but what do I do about the tub toys? They are some of her favorites. Do I need to throw them in the trash? Do I need a new tub?

Signed,

Doo-Doo daddy

Okay maybe I exaggerated a bit, but...

Dear Doo-Doo daddy,

Let me begin by saying you are a great dad. Not only are you getting your hands dirty (pun intended) but you are also reaching out and asking for a little help along the way. Let me also state how impressed I am with your cat-like reflexes in getting your pretty little one out of that filthy water. Now, onto the next steps. I suggest that you dump all of those tub toys into a large basin or bucket filled with cold water and 3/4 of a cup of regular Clorox Bleach. Allow your ducks and tugboats to soak for 5 minutes, rinse with fresh water and air dry. As for the tub - a few squirts of tub and tile cleaner along with a good healthy rinse should do the trick. Hope this helps and best wishes for a future filled with brighter baths and fewer floaters...

Splish Splash,

Lara

Facebook Foe

Dear Lara,

Recently a woman I went to highschool with asked to be my friend on Faceboook. She was the angriest and most aggressive person imaginable in highschool: bleached my friend's yard, physically attacked two of my friends, threatened me with chains, I could go on and on... Generally, she seemed to really enjoy terrorizing my group of friends and was totally unstable mentally. I am absolutely not interested in her friendship and have no plan to accept this request.

However, I've discussed it with my friends and feel like I should not simply "ignore," but let her know why. Her photo is of a bland, happy mom with her three kids, but the person I remember was a deranged sociopath with spiky platinum hair, crazy piercings, a dog collar, and black lipstick. Do you recommend I let her know about the lasting impression she has left on her former classmates or do I let it go and simply ignore her?

Sincerely,

Facebook Foe

Dear FB Foe,

The ole' sociopathic Facebook friender, eh? We've all gotten them. Requests to allow past rejects from our old lives back into our present lives. Dangerous stuff. I mean what if this gal still has it out for you, detects where it is you live, and comes after you and your family one day? Yikes. I applaud you for your decision to ignore her request.

In terms of whether you should let her know about her lasting impression I ask you to consider the good that would do. Do you think that your words could possibly force her to reconsider her past and motivate her to make good on all of the bad things she once did? Perhaps provide her with a greater sense of purpose and channel her past poor behaviors into a life of working at soup kitchens and taking in foster pets? Probably not. If she was a jerk back then, chances are she's still a jerk and cares little for your opinion. Now, on the upside chance that she has not only had a physical makeover but also a personality upgrade, I wonder how such a message from you would impact her. It go either way, really. She could feel remorse and express her deep sorrow for hurting you and others in the past, or, it could re-ignite some pent up anger and she could come after you while you sleep. I wouldn't take that gamble - nor would I put those you love in any possible danger. Leave it alone. Ignore the request and move on with your life. Always consider the consequences and if said consequences could result and any unnecessary drama or harm... walk away. Some things are best left unsaid. And most things from high school should really stay back in high school.

Cheers to the High Road,

Lara

Scrappin' for Scrabble

Dear Lara,

I have a close friend who I care deeply about. She and I play Scrabble on a regular basis. Last week she played the word "Tiber", which is a proper noun. Proper nouns are not acceptable Scrabble words. I gave it to her...after all we are buddies. I figured it was a one time thing.

Well, today she made the word "Uncrazy". She simply added "un" to the word "crazy" which I had creatively made earlier in the game. She asked if it was alright...what was I to say?

We will be playing again next Monday. What do you suggest I do if she continues to play fast and loose with the rules?

Thanks!

Scrappin' over Scrabble

Dear Scrappin',

Great question. Don't you hate it when people think they can get away with anything?!? I bet she's one of those who also takes up 2 spaces when parking and leaves her Starbucks cup in the grocery cart. Perhaps it is YOU that she needs in order to start paying more attention to the rules of the world as well as the board.

However, your question is also extremely timely. Did you know that the folks at Mattel have decided as of last week to allow the usage of proper nouns in the game of Scrabble? This is quite a jolt for the Scrabblers of the world. I am not sure when this new rule goes into effect - but until then you can always check for word accuracy here:

http://www.collinslanguage.com/extras/scrabble.aspx

Next game I suggest that you be sure to have your rule/instruction manual on the table or an open laptop with the aforementioned site up and running. Perhaps you could begin by saying to your friend, "You know, I've been questioning some of my word choices lately and decided to go through the instructions more carefully to be sure that I'm following all of the rules. This way we are really challenging ourselves and making the most of our game time together." If she seems resistant, I would continue to keep it on you. The last thing you want is for her to get defensive and angry. It is NO fun to play any game with an angry and defensive player. She could start playing harsh words that would really ruin the fun.

Good Luck!

Lara

Bride to Be

Dear Lara –

I am planning a wedding and want to get my bridesmaids nice, classy gifts (read: not some cheesy monogrammed candle holder, cheap jewelry or lame-o frame) but something that is useful, fun and something a girl would want. Do you have any suggestions on what would be good and an appropriate price point?

Thanks,

Bride-to-Be

Dear Bride-to-Be,

Congratulations! This is a very exciting time for you and I hope that you are enjoying the planning process. This is a great question. As both a bride and a bridesmaid I can relate to this dilemma. Many brides feel they need to give the girls something to wear to the wedding. However, I do not think that is necessary unless you want them to all look completely identical. Note: if you happen to have a maid or two that has questionable taste - ie they love spiked dog collars and wear nails in lieu of earrings - then perhaps you should stick to the old matching earring and necklace sets. Just bear in mind that you want to stick to something useful - something that says - thank you. Not, thanks for being here now wear this ugly pearl necklace that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you.

I think that most women love bags. For some reason we always have a lot of stuff and totes can come in handy. You could go preppy and check out the LLBean monogrammed tote www.llbean.com or you could go chic and design bags for each of your gals at Lill Studio www.1154lill.com. Plus, depending your budget, you can always add something to the tote. Ladies always love a new scarf, makeup kit (Sephora may be the greatest place ever and they are known to throw in some extra goodies for you if you tell them what the gifts are for), a great pair of hoop earrings or a fun cuff bracelet. These are some simple basic ideas that most would love and find useful. In terms of price, I think it totally depends on your budget. But, whatever that is, you must decide BEFORE you begin your quest for the perfect gifts. Otherwise, you may find yourself somewhere over-indulging in purchases that aren't necessary. I would think about what the ladies are doing for you. What are they spending on their dresses? Shoes? Travel? Showers? Obviously you should not feel the need to re-pay them. They want to be doing these things for you. But, it's important to show that you are grateful and appreciative. I think $75 is adequate and the rest is up to your budget. You sound like a great bride and these maids will be lucky to be standing by your side on your beautiful day.

Best,

Lara

Ask Me Begins

So, here it goes. The beginning of my latest endeavor. I have been wanting to begin a blog for some time now but never was sure what I would write about. I wanted it to be interesting of course, but I also wanted it to be interactive and utilize some of the skills that I have as a counselor. A "Dear Abby" advice type column peaked my interest. But, I have a HUGE problem with the word "advice." That word is a no no where my degree comes from. Counselors don't give advice. We provide support and guidance. That's why therapy can be productive for long term problem-solving. Guidance helps to offer you new resources, perspective, and reason on a problem or situation currently stumping you in your daily life.

Now, even though I am a counselor I am not attempting to be YOUR counselor. My intentions are simply to take some knowledge I have, couple it with some experiences I've had and utilize these skills to the best of my ability for the potential betterment of some of you. By no means do I think that I have all of the answers for your foibles, missteps, and challenges. However, I feel strongly about encouraging others to be their best self, to find their way, and to perhaps offer them a different way of viewing something that may prove to be productive in the long run. I have just as many imperfections and flaws as the next guy. But sometimes it's a bit easier to give someone else a crack at your latest distraction. So, send me your conundrums at larakercinik@gmail.com and I will happily take a stab at providing you with another direction, voice, opinion, suggestion, resource or option.