Let Us Give Thanks...

Dear Lara:

 

This is the season of gift giving to brides, graduates, birthdays, baby showers, etc. and it seemed appropriate to toss you the question of " what is the "proper" way to say thank you for someone's generosity?"  Gift giving is a big thing in our society and it is expected that when there is a happy celebration, appropriate dollars and time be spent to wish either the bride, graduate or new birth sincere, and generous, congratulations. However, no matter the age of the recipient, it seems that sometimes gifts are not acknowledged and it leaves the gift giver feeling disappointed, unhappy and even angry that their "gift" and dollars spent were so insignificant as to not deserve a "thank you" or some acknowledgement within a month of having received the gift.  What is with this "new" generation of no manners??

 

It would seem that we live in the instant communication generation and while a thank you note has long been the appropriate response, even a phone call or text message, email, or tweet is better than absolutely nothing.  What would your thoughts be on how to handle this lack of manners?   Do you let it go or actually call and ask "by the way, did you receive the check I sent??"

 

signed:

 

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANY MANNERS?

(yes, Mom gets blamed for this, too)

Dear Manners,

Several years ago I received a phone call from one of my parents' friends asking if I had received their wedding gift.  This was approximately 6 months after our wedding and I was taken completely off guard.  I had that OMG feeling did I forget to send a thank you note moment.  Turns out, I never received their gift.  She had ordered me some fancy bed linens from a catalog company that I simply never got.  I was so glad she called.  

Since that situation I always wonder if people receive the gifts that I send them and become concerned once I haven't received a thank you note.  Truth is, many people are careless about thank you notes and fail to get them out in appropriate time.  I have always tried to get notes out in a timely manner (my mother taught me well) but I am sure there have been times when I have failed and waited too long or forgotten altogether. 

So, to answer your question, yes, I think you are completely entitled to ask someone the next time that you see them if they received the gift that you sent.  I think it's best to wait until you see them in person.  But, if it really bothering you and has been 4 months since you sent the gift - then call and ask away.  

Take a look at the following rules of the road from About.com when it comes to thank you note rules and regs:

Always send notes in the following situations:

• Wedding gifts.
• For sympathy letters, flowers, or mass cards.
• To the hostess after a party that was hosted in your honor.
• For bridal or baby shower gifts.
• For gifts that were received by mail.
• After being entertained by your boss.
• Gifts received during a hospital stay.
• After being hosted as a houseguest for one or more nights (unless it's a close relative or friend who is doing the hosting).
• For notes or gifts of congratulations.

Timeliness is extremely important.  Notes should be sent within a week of receiving a gift.  Wedding gift thank you notes should be sent within 3 months of receiving a gift.  Patients should send thank you notes once they feel well or a family member or friend should call or send a thank you note.   If you forget, it's never too late to send a note.  Just be sure you send one.  Calls and emails are also permitted - but a handwritten note is always preferred.  

Thanks for your question!

Lara

Dear Lara,

I just realized that I forgot to write a thank you note for a gift that I received from a close friend over a year ago.  I'm mortified, but hoping the gift-giver thinks it might have been lost in the mail or simply didn't notice.  Should I mention it to them and admit my faux pas or move on?

 

Sincerely, 

Tacky Gift Receiver 

Dear Tacky, 

I think that honesty is always the best policy.  You mention that this is a close friend.  So, I assume that if you brought this up to her and apologized for your faux pas she would appreciate your honesty.  Chances are she has moved on, but it could do you no harm to bring it up and let her know that it's been on your mind.  Now, if this were the case and you were not close with the friend who sent the gift.  I think you could always drop a note in the mail and offer a belated thanks.  While it's important to get notes out in a timely fashion, it is simply never too late to offer thanks.  

Best,

Lara