Control Freak

Dear Lara-
I'm a full time working mom with a lot of friends and outside interests. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and can't seem to tackle even half of my to-do list. Lately, I just wish I could get my head above water!

Here's the thing: I don't delegate. I know I could probably give my husband some tasks, but I am a complete control freak and like to be in charge of everything. When I do let anyone else do things I always find something wrong with it. I hate that I do this, I just can't help myself.

Any ideas of how I can de-stress and lighten up?

Sincerely,
Control Freak


Dear Control Freak,

As I read your question I couldn't help but recall something a friend shared with me years ago. I hope she reads this - because it had a great impact on me long before I had a child and could totally understand what she was saying. She too was struggling with lending over some responsibility to her husband. She told me that it was nearly impossible to watch her husband put a diaper on their daughter - that it took him nearly 4 times longer than her to accomplish this feat. BUT - she said that she would take a deep breath, walk in the other room and try really hard to just let him do it his way. Otherwise, she could be stuck with a husband that wouldn't even bother to try let alone help with the kids at all. Besides, is it really that big of deal if it's done his way? If it takes longer? If it's a little less efficient? Nobody will get hurt and ultimately he's spending more time with his new daughter and gaining more confidence along the way.

Mothers in particular seem to struggle with this control problem. I imagine that if I asked my mother if she could change anything when looking back on her child-rearing years that she too would say, "I wish that I would have just let things go easier, not gotten so worked up at times and allowed my family to just be." I find myself doing the same thing. We want things done a certain way because we have created a system for our households to follow and we are certain that we know what is best for everyone.

But here's the key issue - I am certain that you want to encourage your children to become resourceful and grow up with confidence. Therefore this "control" issue can really have a two-fold consequence. First, your children begin to see that you rarely trust their father to do anything, and when you do delegate a task to him, they will see you critiquing him and not thinking he is good enough. Second, as you begin to allow them to do certain things they too will feel they are not up to par and will struggle with finding that inner confidence they need in order to accomplish tasks. Again, I think that a lot of this "need to control" comes from somewhat of a good place. But, it is so important to remind yourself that you don't always know what's best for someone or something else. That there are many ways to skin a cat. That you aren't ALWAYS right. And again, if someone else messes up - it's a reflection of them - not YOU. We all make mistakes - it helps us to improve and grow. Allow your kids/husband/co-workers/dog/etc to make their own mistakes. You cannot carry everyone along... and besides, you'd be doing them the disservice of that awesome thing that happens when we mess up. We learn. We grow. We become better. We are challenged.

So, I urge you to think of the consequences before you question. Lightening up is much easier said that done. Control is a direct response to fear and if you let go of trying to control someone you empower them to build strength from within and that is a pretty amazing thing. If you can talk yourself through the situation imagining both the best case and worse case outcomes and recognize that the worse case really ain't so bad, I'm sure you will be able to hand over some of that responsibility. Loosen the reigns, delegate the task, and seriously examine the positive and negative impact your two cents could potentially have on the overall situation. The bottom line is that you simply cannot do it all. Besides, your family needs to feel a part of things as well and appreciate the work that needs to be done. Once you let go of your own expectations you may be surprised... as they may even accomplish the task better than you.

Best,
Lara