Careerless and Unfulfilled

Dear Lara,

I have a little issue I'm wrestling with -- finding a job/career that I care
about moderately and can make a decent living doing. I've had 'career' type jobs
since college, but have never felt fulfilled or that I was utilizing a good
chunk of my talents and gifts. It is a huge question that I don't expect you to
answer, but I would LOVE some sort of steps I could take to start chopping this
huge question down to more moderately-sized ones.

Basically Lara, how can I start matching myself to a more fulfilling position
without a) going back in time and completely getting a different education or b)
going back to school?

Sincerely,
Careerless and Unfulfilled...


Dear Careerless and Unfulfilled, 


How well do you feel you know yourself?  I think that is the first step in figuring out what may be next for you in terms of your career.  It also sounds like you have had several positions over the years that may also help guide you to your ultimate goal.  You will need to spend a good amount of time assessing these past positions to determine what you liked and disliked about them.  Be specific.  Did you like working with a team of people?  Did your prefer to work independently?  What things about a position motivated you or got you excited to get up and get to work?  What things about a position kept you up at night or contributed to feelings of anxiety and frustration?  


We all know that there are good things and bad things about every job.  However, feeling fulfilled is extremely important and I believe that taking a look at your past may bring you closer to feelings of fulfillment in your future endeavor.  I also think it is important to acknowledge that each of your prior positions have helped you in some way to determine your ultimate fit.  


Have you taken any career tests?  This may be another option for you in assessing your career needs based on your personality.  There are a number of options that you can take online like this test found here.  Check a few out and see if they help you to learn something about yourself you don't already know. 


You can also take this a step further and meet with a career counselor who is licensed to offer specialized career testing that will be analyzed by a professional.  While this would be an investment, it should help you with the process in determining where you belong in the working world.  Two tests that are well-known and offered by a number of counselors are the The Birkman Method and the Myers Briggs Personality Test.


I hope these offer some places to start in your search for a fulfilling career.  Good Luck!


Best,
Lara

I'll do it tomorrow... I swear.

Dear Lara,

I have a problem with procrastination and motivation. There are many things I want to do to take control of the direction of my life, but can't seem to take that first step. Maybe it's a fear of failing or giving up something I'm accustomed to, to make time for the new thing, I don't know. But, I have goals of exercising, of writing, of learning new computer programs to advance my career, but, I keep coming up with excuses to start next Monday. I even try to tell myself sit down, make a calender and hold myself accountable, but even that doesn't get done. What am I doing that is keeping me from succeeding in this, what can I do to accomplish my goals?

Sincerely,

I'll do it tomorrow... I swear.


Dear I'll do it tomorrow,

Procrastination is something that everyone has faced at one time or another. That monkey on your back tugging at you trying to convince you to finish something. That paper in college that absolutely needed ALL NIGHT to complete including the multiple Dunkin Donuts runs and worthless trips to the library. Course these days, kids are probably finding much better ways to procrastinate including Facebook, Blogging and Tweeting. Can you imagine having that to battle nowadays? And, I digress...

Let us first understand exactly what procrastination is. This is what Wikipedia had to say:

Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision.

Procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt and crisis, severe loss of personal productivity, as well as social disapproval for not meeting responsibilities or commitments. These feelings combined may promote further procrastination. While it is regarded as normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning.

Procrastination is indeed a vicious cycle. The dread of starting the task leading to the dread of not completing the task leading ultimately to the dread of letting others and yourself down. I believe that much of this begins with our self-esteem. In order to begin a task we need to feel empowered that we can actually do the task. This is why it is easier to break tasks down to simpler components. You mention exercise. That is a fairly broad term. If it were that easy we would all be Billy Blanks and call it a day. Start with manageable expectations for yourself. Take a walk. Go for a hike. Do something you enjoy. Acknowledge that exercise is good for your self-esteem in that it helps to clear your head and boost your levels of serotonin. Set a realistic goal for yourself and go from there.

Understanding yourself better may also assist with becoming more goal oriented. Are you stressed? Feeling overwhelmed? Lacking in resources for completing various tasks? Struggling with symptoms of anxiety? All of these things work against you. In some cases you may be able to do some work to alleviate some of these variables. Are you getting enough sleep (approx. 7 hours per night) and eating right? These may sound obvious but it is important to make an honest assessment of your habits and ensure you're taking care of your fundamental needs.

Making a list is a really good start. If your goals are to exercise, learn a new program and put some time into your writing, then start with what you know. Figure out the resources you'll need to assist you with completing the tasks you aren't sure about and start small. As you start to accomplish the small goals you will appreciate the sense of satisfaction and feel motivated to keep going. We are results driven species. As you start to cross things off your list you should feel empowered to continue. Starting is the hardest part. But, once you begin you get the momentum going and thus comes the reward.

Motivation and drive are not always innate qualities. Sometimes we also need a little outside support. Our loved ones (while usually have our best interests in mind) aren't always capable of offering the right kind of support. What might motivate them may not motivate you. That's ok. And, if you need some external support (and all of us do) perhaps it's time to utilize another perspective. How and where you find that is up to you. It may be a self-help book about procrastination  or a friend or mentor you trust. It may even be the unbiased opinion of a professional. You know, Freud was definitely onto something with his theory behind "on the couch". Talking to someone is simpler than you may think and many companies provide Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that provide several sessions as part of your insurance benefit. Use it. It's there for a reason. Many of us encounter various times in our life when figuring out our next direction in life requires some deeper thought, consideration and external guidance. 


This was a fantastic question that surely many if not all readers can relate.  Thank you for sending it along.  I hope that I was able to give you a brief overview of some things to consider.  Best of luck to you and congrats on taking your first step to attaining a goal.  Talking about it. 


Best, 
Lara

Let Us Give Thanks...

Dear Lara:

 

This is the season of gift giving to brides, graduates, birthdays, baby showers, etc. and it seemed appropriate to toss you the question of " what is the "proper" way to say thank you for someone's generosity?"  Gift giving is a big thing in our society and it is expected that when there is a happy celebration, appropriate dollars and time be spent to wish either the bride, graduate or new birth sincere, and generous, congratulations. However, no matter the age of the recipient, it seems that sometimes gifts are not acknowledged and it leaves the gift giver feeling disappointed, unhappy and even angry that their "gift" and dollars spent were so insignificant as to not deserve a "thank you" or some acknowledgement within a month of having received the gift.  What is with this "new" generation of no manners??

 

It would seem that we live in the instant communication generation and while a thank you note has long been the appropriate response, even a phone call or text message, email, or tweet is better than absolutely nothing.  What would your thoughts be on how to handle this lack of manners?   Do you let it go or actually call and ask "by the way, did you receive the check I sent??"

 

signed:

 

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANY MANNERS?

(yes, Mom gets blamed for this, too)

Dear Manners,

Several years ago I received a phone call from one of my parents' friends asking if I had received their wedding gift.  This was approximately 6 months after our wedding and I was taken completely off guard.  I had that OMG feeling did I forget to send a thank you note moment.  Turns out, I never received their gift.  She had ordered me some fancy bed linens from a catalog company that I simply never got.  I was so glad she called.  

Since that situation I always wonder if people receive the gifts that I send them and become concerned once I haven't received a thank you note.  Truth is, many people are careless about thank you notes and fail to get them out in appropriate time.  I have always tried to get notes out in a timely manner (my mother taught me well) but I am sure there have been times when I have failed and waited too long or forgotten altogether. 

So, to answer your question, yes, I think you are completely entitled to ask someone the next time that you see them if they received the gift that you sent.  I think it's best to wait until you see them in person.  But, if it really bothering you and has been 4 months since you sent the gift - then call and ask away.  

Take a look at the following rules of the road from About.com when it comes to thank you note rules and regs:

Always send notes in the following situations:

• Wedding gifts.
• For sympathy letters, flowers, or mass cards.
• To the hostess after a party that was hosted in your honor.
• For bridal or baby shower gifts.
• For gifts that were received by mail.
• After being entertained by your boss.
• Gifts received during a hospital stay.
• After being hosted as a houseguest for one or more nights (unless it's a close relative or friend who is doing the hosting).
• For notes or gifts of congratulations.

Timeliness is extremely important.  Notes should be sent within a week of receiving a gift.  Wedding gift thank you notes should be sent within 3 months of receiving a gift.  Patients should send thank you notes once they feel well or a family member or friend should call or send a thank you note.   If you forget, it's never too late to send a note.  Just be sure you send one.  Calls and emails are also permitted - but a handwritten note is always preferred.  

Thanks for your question!

Lara

Dear Lara,

I just realized that I forgot to write a thank you note for a gift that I received from a close friend over a year ago.  I'm mortified, but hoping the gift-giver thinks it might have been lost in the mail or simply didn't notice.  Should I mention it to them and admit my faux pas or move on?

 

Sincerely, 

Tacky Gift Receiver 

Dear Tacky, 

I think that honesty is always the best policy.  You mention that this is a close friend.  So, I assume that if you brought this up to her and apologized for your faux pas she would appreciate your honesty.  Chances are she has moved on, but it could do you no harm to bring it up and let her know that it's been on your mind.  Now, if this were the case and you were not close with the friend who sent the gift.  I think you could always drop a note in the mail and offer a belated thanks.  While it's important to get notes out in a timely fashion, it is simply never too late to offer thanks.  

Best,

Lara

Mother of the Bride Color Conundrum

Dear Lara:
My daughter is getting married in July.  I have spent a ton of time looking for a dress and finally found one that looks good on me, but it's black, which I've heard is not appropriate.  The bridesmaids are wearing beautiful short stone dresses. The groomsmen will be in black tuxes. The flowers are ivory and pinks. Champagne and latte colors don't look great on me and I don't want to wear a color which might make me stand out . The groom's mom is wearing taupe.

Would black be appropriate for a July wedding? The reception will be in the evening and in the city.  Please help! 


Sincerely,
Mom of the Bride


Dear Mother of the Bride, 


I applaud you for taking a critical eye to this situation and assessing what would be most appropriate.  Too often mothers and mothers in law fail to spend the time and energy dressing appropriately for such a big occasion.  After all, this milestone is a very large one for you too and you should also be soaking in some of the spotlight.  


You mention several key factors which make black absolutely appropriate.  While it is not the most summery of colors, the wedding is downtown and takes place during the evening.  The colors your daughter chose (which sound so lovely) are also formal and would be perfectly complemented next to black.  Finally, it sounds like this dress looks great on you.  That is most important.  As long as you aren't wearing a color anywhere within the white or off white family (never trump the bride!!) you are just fine.  If you feel great you will be that much more comfortable throughout the night.  


Congratulations to you and the bride to be.  Sounds like a gorgeous and very special night ahead.  I am certain you will look spectacular!  


Oh, and for a little more reinforcement on the matter - I decided to see what Emily Post had to say.  Check out her updated list of wedding rules and regs right here.




Black Dress Approved!
Lara

Returning the Favor

Dear Lara

Last week, we found ourselves in a babysitter jam. I ended up calling a friend who has two grown boys and was more than happy to help. Of course, she would not accept payment on what ended up being a longer evening than expected (my husband ended up working until 9 PM so we ended up getting home at the same time). My husband and I want to do something to thank her. Suggestions?

Sincerely,
Returning the Favor


Dear Returning the Favor,


What a great friend.  These days I don't think people without kids understand just what a big deal it is when others watch our kids.  Be it grandparents, siblings, neighbors, whatever.  It's a huge relief - not only because you trust them - but well, because they're cheap!  Sitters range in pay from 8 dollars an hour (for the young ones) on up to 20 dollars per hour which leaves for a very pricey night out.  We have had some fabulous neighbors, friends and family care for our little one sans pay and here are some things that I have done to repay them.  


~ For the brief afternoon 2 hour sit I have given a friend a Starbucks card for 10-15 dollars.  They LOVED this. 


~ For our amazing neighbors who have spent some evenings up in our place while we get out - we ordered and paid for their dinner.  


~ For parents who have accepted and cared for our child in their home while we go out of town we have gotten a sitter and taken them for dinner.  


I get it.  It's hard to give a friend cash... but gift cards are an easy and thoughtful payback for friends and family.  Everybody goes to Starbucks and Target so those may be some good gift cards to have in bulk and on hand for when you want to pass along a thank you for sitting...or any other favor for that matter.  I also think that treating your friend to lunch or dinner is always a super nice gesture that they cannot refuse... especially when you grab the check before they have a chance ;) Oh, and a nice bottle of wine is usually always a good option as well.  Who doesn't love a little vino?


Lastly, the good ole' thank you note can never be underestimated.  Some of your friends may truly not want you spend any of your hard earned cash on the hand they lent.  Dropping a well thought out thank you note in the mail goes a long way.  People love to get mail that isn't a bill and it surely delivers a message that shows how much their favor meant to you.  


Hope this helps and thanks for returning the favor and furthering good karma for the rest of us!


Cheers,
Lara

Mac Baby

Dear Lara,

My son, who is less than 1 1/2 years old, really likes computers. He is obsessed with our laptop, our cell phones, anything with a screen that lights up. Clearly, I can't let him have at these devices due to fear of breakage, battery eating, etcetera, but I'm wondering if there is anything out there that I can buy him that simulates that screen lighting up bit that he loves so much that I can leave him alone with for more than one minute.

At Home IT Department 


Dear At Home IT,

So funny you should ask, as we are experiencing the same thing with our little one.  He seems particularly drawn to my husband's new iPad which is a big no no as that seems entirely too fragile for his careless little paws.  My husband and I actually said that Apple should come up with an "iBaby" if you will that would provide little ones with a gadget of their own they could play with.  However, there are a couple of things to consider here before we go off and encourage our tots to stand in line at the Apple store.

1.  They want EVERYTHING we have.  If it's your iPhone, Blackberry, laptop, stuffed olive, or shot of whiskey (yes, we typically feast on stuffed olives and whiskey nightly) - they not only want to see it - they want to grab it, eat it, drink it and consume it in every way possible.  Therefore, this could mean that your latest electronic "baby" purchase could very well find its way into the heap of other toys collecting throughout the corners of your home while your little guy continues to eat the keys off your laptop.

2.  Do toddlers really need "gadgets"?  I mean... whatever happened to the old fashioned puzzle, lego and stacking rings?  I'm just as guilty as the next guy when it comes to being on my laptop too much and obsessing over my latest text on the old Blackberry.  I surely do not want my child to start those habits in his under 2 years of existence.  Can you imagine... he'll be texting before he talks!!

3.  I sound old and boring now don't I?  I don't mean to.  I certainly want my son to be far more technically savvy than I am - and he will be without a doubt given what's out there today.  I just want him to be able to create his own fun before he's totally bombarded with gadgets at every turn.   Though I must admit... this laptop seems pretty awesome.

As for some other flashy toys... give this Top Toy List a whirl and see what makes your little guy light up until he's ready for his own mini Mac.

Best,
Lara

Not a Fan of My MIL

Dear Lara,

My Mother-In-Law is not my favorite person in the world, though to her credit she is technically sane, and usually fairly nice. She is in love with our little boy, her grandson, 1 year old. From the start, she has pressed me for babysitting time and "time alone" with the little guy, to which I happily obliged. However, I began to see that she and I were not on the same wavelength when it came to caring for our child. She was unsupportive of me breastfeeding, she would not hug or comfort him when he cried as I left, she would bring her book to read and expect him to play on his own. Both my husband and I had some talks with her about these things, though it never improved. This all got under my skin, but I looked the other way because she is family.

Then, just today, I came home from running some errands while she had been watching him. I arrived home to a sobbing, bruised little boy. He hit his face on the edge of something while she was "watching" him while he played (she had been reading her book). My little cherub's cheek is now black and blue, just in time for his 1st birthday party. I know kids will fall, get bruises and scrapes, but I feel this was just negligence on her part. I don't want to leave my baby with her anymore, but I feel stuck since she is family. What to do?

Best,
Not a Fan of My MIL

Dear Not a Fan, 


Well, it's about time I field a mother-in-law question!  It seems as though many women deal with complicated and frustrating issues with their mother-in-laws.  It's a very complex relationship.  We are asked when we marry to literally merge two families together.  Imagine that.  Years of traditions, recipes, styles, holidays, inside jokes, habits, etc are merged together, considered a "family" and henceforth we have in-laws.  In most families there tends to be tension among in-laws because humans aren't always great with change.  We like our traditions.  We like the way that our mothers cook for us.  We want things to be like how we know them to be - not how another mother from a whole other family wants them to be.  Likewise, MILs want to remain "motherly."  They want their sons to love them, pay attention to them and respect them.  So, this relationship often takes another hard hit once grandchildren enter the picture.  We understand that our MIL's have a fundamental right to bond and spend time with their grandchildren.  However, the lines can get a little fuzzy when it comes to how they treat the child versus how you want your own child to be treated.  This boils down to a respect issue.  Is your mother-in-law respecting your wishes as a parent?


In this situation, the answer is no.  I commend you for raising these concerns with your mother-in-law along with your husband.  I think the best way to do that (and it sounds as if this is what you have already done) is to confront your mother-in-law together with your husband - BOTH of you must be present to have the conversation. It's always good to be appreciative for the things that she does well - it's nice of her to watch your son for you, etc.  Build her up a bit and encourage the good behaviors.  In order to discourage the negative behaviors - use "WE" statements.  We feel that is most important for our son to have a sense of consistency.  Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would pay closer attention to him when he plays.  Lately he has become very mobile and we are concerned with him getting into something he shouldn't or taking a tumble that isn't necessary.  Sometimes it's even nice to blame the Doctor (a great tip I learned).  "Our Dr. is constantly reminding us how quickly thing can happen at our son's age - that we must keep a very careful eye on him at all times."


Now, if you have had these conversations with her and they have proven to not be productive, I think your only option is to not allow her to watch your son when you are not present.  Simply refrain from asking her to babysit.  If she asks you to babysit, let her know that you have not had a need and come up with a time for you and your husband to have a discussion with her regarding your reasons.  That you feel as if you both have told her several times that your son requires more attention and that you feel your wishes are not being respected.  You have every right to set boundaries as a parent and as a daughter-in-law.  I think that we often feel intimated and concerned over what our MILs think of us.  Well, it's far more important to stand up for what you believe is in the best interest of your child.  Sometimes, everyone needs a little "come to Jesus" in order to recognize their behaviors.  Hopefully, your MIL will come to respect your wishes.  Hopefully she will recognize that her relationship with her grandson is at stake and that she needs to make some adjustments in order to be the good grandma she surely wants to be.  




Best of Luck,
Lara